4-9-2019
That's what I have.
It is not real to me. Not yet.
Maybe it will be real once surgery is scheduled.
Maybe it will be real once I've planned my leave of absence from work.
Maybe it will be real after I've been carved like a Christmas goose, eviscerated of most of the parts that make me female.
I will still have breasts, but the rest of the innards will be gone.
Uterus, ovaries, Fallopian tubes.
At least two lymph nodes. More if needed.
I will continue to blog about this until surgery. And probably after.
There is so much I need to know, and I need to find out.
I suspect the cancer is more widespread, although I hope it is not.
My left ovary kvetches at me ... but it has for years, so maybe it's nothing.
How to cope?
How to deal with a needy husband who can't really provide support?
How to deal with the responses of friends and relations who can't deal?
My own strength will carry me through.
That, and finding those with the strength to deal.
It's all I have to fall back on now.
5-9-2019
I had my surgery on 4/30. Full hysterectomy. Turns out most of what I had done was internal.
Externally, the only signs of surgery are five little scars on my belly - one above my bellybutton, and two more on either side, in a straight line across.
Everything - uterus, ovaries, fallopian tubes, sentinel lymph nodes - was shlepped out via my vag.
I had tubes everywhere - a tube down my throat so I could breathe, a tube in my urethra so that I could pee, a tube in my artery in my wrist so that my blood pressure could be measured, tubes for IVs with liquid pushing into my veins to keep me hydrated ...
I needed painkiller before I could finally pee, which I did within the deadline time. Sitting was also a challenge for a few hours.
I came home the next day, and oddly, have been feeling worse and worse as the days grind on. I was hoping to feel better and better. But I'm sleeping more, the internal organs that are left ache, I can't wear jeans (hurts too much), and I can't really do housework, as it exhausts me.
I tried to do laundry two days ago, and it completely wore me out. I needed rest and painkillers the rest of the day.
The most I can do is wash dishes, make myself tea, and prepare dishes of food.
Yesterday I did a wee bit of cooking - roasted some vegetables. It was almost too much for me.
I find I don't want coffee any longer, which is really strange, as I had been drinking multiple cups daily for several months. Instead, I'm making red zinger tea for myself every morning, from the box of loose red zinger I've had in my cupboards for years.
What does tomorrow hold? Hopefully less tiredness, but I'm not holding out any hope right now.
Thank goodness for chocolate.
